EP 239 — How to Deal With Different Stress Responses in a Relationship

One of you wants to talk. The other needs space. Sound familiar? This episode breaks down why you and your partner handle stress differently, how those differences create conflict, and how to work with each other — instead of against each other — when things feel overwhelming.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing how to deal with different stress responses in a relationship. You and your partner don't just think differently, you stress differently. And that difference is one of the biggest causes of conflict in relationships. Because when stress hits, one of you might want to talk and the other might shut down. One of you might need reassurance and the other might need space. One of you becomes more emotional, the other might become more logical. And suddenly you're thinking, why are they being like this? Why can't they just understand me? And why does this feel so disconnected? But here's the reality: neither of you is wrong, you're just coping in different ways. And if you don't understand that, you'll start seeing each other as the problem instead of the pattern. So let's discuss how you can manage this today. So, firstly, why are stress responses different? Your stress response is not random. It's shaped by your upbringing, your past relationships, what you learned about emotions, what felt safe or unsafe growing up. For example, if expressing emotion led to rejection, you might now suppress it. If you had to fight to be heard, you might now become more intense under stress. If you didn't feel supported, you might now seek more reassurance. So when stress hits, you don't choose your response, your nervous system defaults to what it knows. So what are the four common stress responses we see in relationships? So firstly, the mover toward, this is the anxious response. They usually want to talk, they usually seek reassurance, become more emotional and need closeness. Their underlying need is stay with me, don't disconnect from me. Secondly, you've got the mover away, this is the avoidant response. They need space, they shut down, they avoid conversation, and they process internally. Their underlying need is give me room so I can regulate. Then third, you've got the controller. They're going to try and fix the problem, become solution focused, and they can come across as critical. Their underlying need is if I can solve it, we'll be okay. And then fourth, you've got the freezer. They feel overwhelmed, they struggle to respond, and they go quiet or stuck. Their underlying need is I don't know what to do, I'm overloaded. Most people tend to be a mix of all of these, but under stress one tends to dominate. So why do these differences cause conflict? Here's where things go wrong. Each person naturally assumes their response is the right response. So when the other person reacts differently, it feels like a problem. For example, one wants to talk, the other shuts down, and this feels like rejection. Or one needs space and the other pushes closer and that feels overwhelming. So instead of seeing we're different, you see they're wrong, and that's where conflict actually begins. And the key thing to remember is this the real problem isn't the response, it's the interpretation of the response. Let's break this down. When your partner pulls away, you might think they don't care when actually they're just overwhelmed. When your partner pushes for conversation, you might think they're too much when actually they're trying to feel safe. The behavior is the same, but the meaning you assign to it changes everything. So how can you deal with different stress responses? Firstly, you need to learn each other's default stress response. Have this conversation directly. When you're stressed, what do you tend to do? Do you want to talk? Do you need space? Do you try to fix things? Do you shut down? This is going to build awareness, and awareness helps reduce misinterpretation. Secondly, stop taking it personally. I know this is easier said than done. This is one of the hardest shifts. Your partner's stress response is not a personal attack, it's a self-protection strategy. So instead of why are they doing this to me, shift to this is how they cope. That's going to create some form of emotional space. Third, meet in the middle, not at the extremes. If one wants space and the other wants closeness, the solution isn't choosing one. It's balancing both. For example, I need 20 minutes to clear my head, but I'll come back and then I'll talk. That respects both persons' needs. Fourth, communicate the need behind the behavior. Instead of just acting it out, say it clearly. Some examples of this might be, I'm not pulling away, I just need a moment to reset. Or I'm not trying to overwhelm you, I just need reassurance right now. This is going to reduce confusion instantly. Fifth, don't force synchronicity in the moment. You don't have to feel the same thing at the same time. Trying to force that often makes things worse. So focus on understanding and not matching. Sixth, regulate yourself first. If both people are dysregulated, nothing productive will happen, trust me. So take responsibility for your own state first, calm your body, slow your breathing, then engage with the other person. And seventh, build safe scripts for stressful moments. Agree on simple phrases you both understand. For example, I need a pause, not distance. We're okay, I'm just stressed. Let's come back to this. These are gonna help reduce escalation. So what does this look like in real life? Instead of you never talk to me when things matter, it becomes I know you need space, but can you set a time to talk? And instead of you're too intense, it becomes I know you need reassurance, I just need a moment first. That shift is gonna change everything. So here's a bigger perspective on this all. Different stress responses are not a flaw in your relationship. They're a reality of being two different people. The strength of your relationship is not how similar you are, it's how well you understand and navigate your differences. So if you and your partner handle stress differently, that is not a problem. The problem is when you don't understand it, you personalize it, or you react to it instead of working with it. So instead, learn each other's patterns, communicate clearly, give space without disconnecting, and offer closeness without overwhelming. Because underneath every stress response is a need. And when you learn to respond to the need, not just the behaviour, that's when relationships actually become stronger. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.