EP 267 — How Can I Better Understand People Who Have ADHD?

Why does someone with ADHD seem inconsistent, forgetful, or easily distracted — even when they care? In this episode, we break down what ADHD actually looks like from the outside, what’s really going on underneath the behaviour, and why it’s so often misunderstood. Learn how to separate intention from regulation, stop taking things personally, and respond in a way that supports the relationship rather than creating more frustration. A must-listen if you want to better understand, communicate with, and support someone with ADHD.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing how you can better understand people who have ADHD. ADHD is becoming more common, and most of us now know someone, whether it's a friend, relative, or partner who has ADHD. And sometimes they act in ways which make us think, why do they do that? For example, why do they forget things you told them yesterday? Why do they seem really engaged one moment and distracted the next? Why do they start things and not finish them? Why do they interrupt, talk fast or jump topics? Why do they seem inconsistent like two different people? And if you're honest, it can sometimes feel like they're not listening, they don't care, they're unreliable, or they're not trying hard enough. But the reality is actually this. If someone has ADHD, what you're seeing is not a lack of care, it's a difference in how their brain regulates attention, memory, and emotion. And if you don't understand that difference, you might end up misinterpreting their behavior. And this misinterpretation is going to lead to frustration, conflict, and disconnection. So let's try and better understand the people around us with ADHD. So let's start with the biggest misunderstanding. Most people interpret behavior like this. If you cared, you would remember. If it mattered, you would do it. If you respected me, you wouldn't act that way. That's a logical assumption and completely reasonable. But with ADHD, it often doesn't apply quite the same way. So here's the reframe. ADHD is not a motivation problem. It's a regulation problem. That means they don't choose when their focus switches on. They don't control what sticks in their memory, and they don't regulate attention consistently like most people will. So the behavior you're actually seeing is not always intentional. So what does ADHD look like from the outside? Let's go through the common behaviors and what they actually mean. So firstly, forgetting things. So it often looks like forgetting plans, missing details, not following through with things that you've previously planned. And how it might feel to you is they don't care enough to remember. But what's actually happening is ADHD affects working memory. If something isn't written down, visible, or repeated, it can disappear in their minds. So the truth is they may care deeply for you, but their brain didn't hold on to that bit of information. Secondly, you've got inconsistency. So this usually looks like being very engaged one day and then perhaps distant the next. And it might feel to you like they're really hot and then suddenly cold. But what's actually happening is their attention is shifting, not necessarily their feelings towards you. So you're seeing the fluctuations in their focus, but not necessarily the changes in their intention. Third, interpreting or jumping topics. So to you it might look like talking over you, switching topics very quickly. And it might feel again like they're not listening to you. But what's actually happening in their brain is their brain is moving too fast. If they don't say the thought, they think they're going to lose that thought, and they might feel that that thought is important for the conversation or important for you to hear. So it's not necessarily about disrespect, it's about the speed of thought that they're receiving. Fourth, avoiding tasks or delaying things. What it might look like to you is not doing what they said, procrastinating, leaving things unfinished. But how it might feel is they're lazy, they're unreliable. But what's actually happening in their brain is they're struggling with what we call task activation, not necessarily effort. They just really struggle to start that task. Because starting is ultimately the hardest part for them, and it's not because they don't care, it's because their brain isn't engaging. Fifth, emotional reactions. This might look like overreacting, getting frustrated quite quickly, then calming down. And it can feel to you that that was unnecessary in that moment. But what's actually happening is ADHD affects what we call emotional regulation. So reactions with people with ADHD are often faster, stronger, and harder for them to control. So it's not necessarily about them being dramatic, it's more about a regulation issue. So why does it feel so confusing? Here's why ADHD is really hard to understand. The person can do things sometimes, but it's not consistently. So you see compatibility without the reliability, you might see effort, but without the follow-through, and you might see care but without that consistency that you're looking for. And that of course is going to create doubt. If you can do it sometimes, why can't you do it all the time? But the answer to that tricky question is because ADHD is inconsistent by nature, and that is how their brains are working. So what can actually help and what doesn't help? So firstly, what doesn't help? Saying something like, just try harder, you need to be more organized, why can't you just remember? These assume that that person has the level of control that they just don't. But ADHD is about regulation. So what actually helps, firstly, is clarity over assumption. Instead of making vague requests we should hang out more, say something quite clear. Like, can we plan something for Saturday at 2 o'clock? Specificity is going to be easier for them to interpret than something more vague. Secondarily, external systems. Encourage them to have systems and not rely on their memory. So some examples might be having a shared calendar together, having written reminders of things that are important to you, putting notes about, and even making checklists. Third, gentle reminders without the judgment. Instead of you forgot again, try something as simple as hey, I just want to remind you about this. Fourth, don't personalize everything. This is huge, and I'm aware it's very much easier said than done. Not every behavior that they're doing is about you. So ask yourself, do I think this is intentional or is this an ADHD trait? Fifth, try and work with their strengths. People with ADHD often bring a lot to relationships, for example, creativity, energy, spontaneity, and big ideas. So instead of only focusing on what's missing, also recognize what's actually there. So the next important topic to discuss is boundaries, because boundaries still matter. Understanding ADHD doesn't mean you accept everything, you ignore your own needs, or you remove accountability. You need to find a healthy balance. So you can say something like, I understand that this is hard for you, but I still need consistency in this area. Because understanding is not the same as tolerating everything, because you shouldn't be tolerating everything. So what's the most important shift that you can make? Stop asking why they like this and start asking what support do they need to better function. Because ADHD is not fixed by pressure, it's improved by structure, clarity, systems, and understanding. So what do people with ADHD wish you knew about how they're dealing with things? If you could summarize it, it would be this. I care more than it looks like I do, I just don't always show it in consistent ways. That's probably what they're thinking in a lot of situations. So if you take one thing from this episode, let it be this. ADHD behavior is often misunderstood as a lack of care when it's actually a difference in regulation. And when you're able to understand that, you're gonna stop misinterpreting, you're gonna stop taking everything personally, and you're gonna start responding in a way that actually helps the relationship. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.