EP 297 — Why People Stay in Situationships for Too Long

Why is it so hard to leave something that was never fully defined? In this episode, we unpack the psychology of situationships — why “almost” relationships can feel so addictive, how mixed signals and intermittent reinforcement keep hope alive, and why people often become attached to potential instead of reality. Learn why situationships can get tangled with self-worth, why walking away feels so difficult, and how to tell when you’re waiting for clarity that may never come.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing why people stay in situationships for far too long. Let me start with a question that a lot of people quietly ask themselves after months or sometimes even years of emotional confusion. Why am I still here? Why am I still investing in this? Why am I still waiting? Why am I still hoping? And why am I still trying to make something work that has never really become what I wanted it to be? Because if we're honest, most people don't enter a situationship hoping to stay in one. Very few people wake up and think, I'd love a relationship where I don't know where I stand, where my needs aren't fully met, and where I'm constantly wondering what's happening. That's not usually how it starts. Most situationships begin with genuine hope. There's attraction, there's chemistry, there's potential, there are conversations that might even feel meaningful, moments that feel intimate, and enough signs to make you believe that maybe eventually this will become something more. And that's exactly what makes situationships so difficult. Because the problem usually isn't that there's nothing there. The problem is that there's often just enough there to keep the hope alive. Not enough certainty to feel secure, but enough possibility to stop you walking away. And if you've ever found yourself stuck in that space, constantly waiting for clarity that never seems to arrive, then this episode is the exact one for you. Because one of the hardest truths in modern dating is this. Sometimes the thing keeping you stuck isn't the connection. It's the possibility of what the connection might become. Now let's start with what makes situationships so uniquely difficult. Because the heartbreak after a relationship makes sense to people. You lost something real, you had certainty, you had a defined connection, but situationships are far different from that. Because often you're grieving something that never fully existed. And psychologically that can actually be harder. Think about it. When a relationship ends, there's usually a clear ending, a conversation, a breakup, a decision. But situationships often exist in a strange middle murky ground. You're not fully together, but you're also not fully apart either. And because nothing is clearly defined, the brain struggles to understand what it's supposed to do. Should you move on? Should you keep trying? Should you be patient? Should you walk away? And the answer never feels obvious. Now this uncertainty creates something really important psychologically. It keeps the future open. And as long as the future remains open, hope still survives. And as long as hope still survives, people often remain emotionally invested. Because walking away doesn't just mean losing the person, it means letting go of the future you've been imagining. And honestly, that's often the harder part. Now before we go any further, I want to say something important. Hope is not a bad thing. Hope helps people persevere, heal, take risks, stay optimistic. But sometimes hope becomes disconnected from evidence. And that's where things do get dangerous. Because people stop asking what is actually happening, and they start asking what could happen if I just wait a little bit longer. Now imagine someone tells you repeatedly, I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't know what I want, I'm figuring things out, maybe one day. And then every now and then they show affection, they create intimacy, they act like a partner and they talk about the future. So what happens? The mind naturally focuses on the hopeful moments. Because the hopeful moments feel emotionally rewarding, and slowly people begin building a relationship in their imagination that doesn't fully exist in reality. Now this isn't stupidity, it's humanity. Because when we care about somebody, we naturally look for evidence that supports what we want to be true. The problem is that eventually potential starts replacing reality, and that's often when people become stuck. Now, this next bit is incredibly important because it's one of the biggest reasons situationships become emotionally addictive. And it's something psychologists call intermittent reinforcement. Now don't worry about the fancy term. The concept is actually rather simple. Imagine someone was consistently unavailable, you'd probably move on eventually. Now imagine someone was consistently available, you'd probably feel secure. But with situationships, they often sit in the middle. Sometimes they're present, sometimes they're distant, sometimes they're affectionate, sometimes they're unavailable, sometimes they talk about the future, sometimes they pull away. And because you never fully know where you stand, your brain becomes hyper-focused. It's very similar to what happens in gambling. The uncertainty itself becomes addictive. You keep thinking, maybe this time things will change. And every small sign of progress is going to feel incredibly rewarding. Now here's why this matters so much. Many people mistake this emotional obsession for deep connection. But they're not necessarily the same thing. Sometimes what feels like intense chemistry is actually a nervous system desperately trying to create certainty. And once you understand that, situationships start making a lot more sense. Now let's talk about something that makes situationships even harder. Over time, they often stop being about the relationship itself and they start becoming about self-worth. So for example, at the beginning, somebody might think, I really like this person. But six months later the question has subtly changed. Now it's why aren't they choosing me? And that's a very different question. Because suddenly the situationship isn't just about connection, it's about validation. It's about proving you are enough. It's about finally securing something you've been chasing for months. And once self-worth becomes attached to the outcome, walking away becomes much harder. Because now leaving doesn't just feel like losing the person. It feels like admitting defeat. Now intellectually we know that's not true, but emotionally that often is how it feels. And that's why people stay. Not because the relationship is fulfilling, but because they're still hoping the eventual commitment will resolve the self-doubt that's been building. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way because relationships don't fix self-worth. They often expose where self-worth was already struggling. Now, another reason people stay too long is because they're dating the future version of the person. And honestly, this is one of the biggest traps in dating generally. People think once they're ready, once work calms down, once they heal, once they figure things out, and notice what all of those statements have in common. They're focused on potential and not the reality. Now of course potential matters. People grow, people change, people develop. But relationships can only exist in the present moment, not in the future version you've imagined. And this is where a difficult question becomes incredibly useful. If this relationship stayed exactly as it is today for the next two years, would I genuinely be happy? Not the future version, not the hopeful version, the current version. Because often the answer reveals everything. Now let's be honest about something. Walking away from a situationship is incredibly difficult. Not necessarily because people don't know what's happening, but because walking away forces them to confront the uncertainty. What if things were about to change? What if they finally committed next month? What if I leave too early? And honestly, those thoughts make perfect sense. But they also keep people stuck. Because there's always another month, another conversation, another hopeful moment, another reason to wait, and eventually years pass. Now here's the difficult truth. Every decision carries risk. Staying is going to carry risk. Leaving is going to carry risk also. But many people focus only on the risk of leaving. They rarely consider the risk of staying. The risk of lost time, unmet needs, emotional exhaustion, opportunities missed somewhere else. And once people start looking at both sides honestly, clarity often begins to emerge. Now before we finish, I think it's important to define what healthy dating often looks like. Healthy dating isn't necessarily instant commitment, constant certainty, and rushing into labels. But it does involve movement, it involves progress, it involves clarity increasing over time, not decreasing. You should generally find yourself feeling more secure, more understood, more informed, and more connected, not increasingly confused. Now relationships naturally involve uncertainty, especially early on. But long-term confusion is usually information. And one of the most valuable dating skills you can develop is learning to pay attention to that information rather than endlessly explaining it away. Because healthy relationships usually don't require you to constantly convince yourself that things are okay. So if you take one thing from this episode, let it be this. People often stay in situationships for too long, not because the connection is extraordinary, but because the possibility feels impossible to let go of. The hope, the potential, the future you've imagined, the belief that one more conversation might finally create that clarity that you're looking for. But eventually there comes a point where you have to stop asking, what could this become? And you have to start asking, what is this actually giving me right now? Because healthy relationships are built in reality, not in possibility, not in potential, not in imagined futures. And while letting go of hope can be painful, sometimes it's the very thing that creates space for the relationship you actually deserve. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you on the next one.