EP 298 — Why Dating Feels More Exhausting Than Ever

Why does dating feel so draining now, even when we technically have more options than ever? In this episode, we unpack the psychology of modern dating burnout — from dating apps and endless choice to situationships, ghosting, comparison, and emotional ambiguity. Learn why the process can feel so exhausting, why hope starts to feel expensive after repeated disappointment, and how to approach dating in a way that protects your energy while still staying open to real connection.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing why dating feels more exhausting than ever. Let me start with a question. Have you ever noticed that dating doesn't just feel difficult anymore? It feels exhausting. Not exciting, not hopeful, not fun, exhausting. And what's interesting is that when I speak to people about dating, regardless of their age, gender, background, or relationship history, I keep hearing very similar phrases. People say things like, I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Or every conversation feels the same. And that's a really strange position to find yourself in, because human beings are wired for connection. Most of us want intimacy, companionship, love, belonging. Yet somehow the process of finding those things has started feeling more draining than ever before. And I don't think that's because people have become lazy. I don't think it's because people have become cynical. I think modern dating has created a perfect storm of psychological pressures that previous generations simply didn't have to navigate in the same way. And what we're currently seeing is that many people aren't just giving up on love, they're giving up on the process of finding it. So today I want to unpack just that. Because if we're not careful, dating can start feeling less like connection and more like emotional admin. So let's start with one of the biggest changes modern dating has introduced. For most of human history, your dating pool was relatively small. You met people through friends, through family, through work, through your communities. Those were your limitations. Now that had problems too, of course, but one thing it didn't have was infinite choice. Today you can sit on your sofa and you can be presented with hundreds, sometimes thousands of potential partners. And at first glance, that sounds incredible. More options should mean better outcomes. But not necessarily. Because what psychology consistently shows is that more options don't always create more satisfaction. Often they create more anxiety. Imagine walking into a restaurant with five items on the menu. You make a decision relatively quickly. Now imagine walking into a restaurant with 5,000 items. Suddenly choosing becomes harder, you spend more time wondering what if there's something better, and this is exactly what's happening in dating. Because when there always seems to be another profile, another match, or another possibility, people become less invested in what is actually in front of them. And perhaps more importantly, they become overwhelmed by decision making itself. Now here's the transition that's important. Because infinite choice doesn't just affect commitment, it also affects how we evaluate people. Think about how many decisions people feel they're making while dating. They're evaluating attraction, values, lifestyle, ambition, family goals, emotional availability, chemistry compatibility. And they're often doing all of that after two dates, three conversations, or a handful of messages. Now imagine applying that same level of scrutiny to every human interaction in your entire life. You'd be exhausted. And that's exactly what is happening right now. Dating has become heavily analytical. Instead of asking how do I feel around this person, people are often asking, could this person potentially meet every requirement I have for the next 30 years? Now obviously long-term compatibility matters, but the problem is that people are trying to answer relationship questions before they've even built a relationship. And what starts as curiosity slowly becomes evaluation. Now the reason this matters is because constant evaluation creates pressure, and pressure is exhausting. But that's only part of the story, because the next thing making dating so draining is something many people don't even realize they're doing. Let's be honest, dating doesn't happen in isolation anymore. It happens alongside social media. And social media has fundamentally changed how people experience relationships. Every single day you're exposed to engagement announcements, weddings, relationship advice, influences, attractive couples, luxury lifestyles. And gradually, without realizing it, you start comparing. You're naturally going to compare your dating life, your relationship status, your attractiveness, and your timeline. And comparison is exhausting, because comparison quietly changes the goal. The goal stops becoming find somebody compatible, and it becomes, am I keeping up? Now that is a dangerous shift in itself, because suddenly dating isn't just about connection. It's about self-worth. It's about proving something, it's about not falling behind. And when dating becomes tied to identity, every rejection is going to feel bigger, every date is going to feel more significant, and every disappointment is going to feel heavier. Now, naturally, after enough of these experiences, people become tired. But there is another reason modern dating feels particularly exhausting, and honestly, I think this might be one of the biggest. One thing previous generations had that modern dating often lacks is clarity. Not perfection, not healthy relationships, just clarity. Today people navigate situationships, talking stages, casual exclusivity, undefined connections, mixed signals. And while some flexibility can be useful, ambiguity is emotionally draining. Because uncertainty requires energy. Think about it. If somebody clearly says I'm interested or I'm not interested, you may not like the answer, but your brain can process it. Now compare that to maybe or I'm not sure. Let's see what happens. For weeks or months, suddenly your brain becomes trapped in analysis, trying to interpret behavior, predict outcomes, and create certainty. And that process consumes enormous emotional energy, which is why so many people leave situationships feeling more exhausted than actual relationships. Not because there was more connection, but because there was more uncertainty. Now this naturally leads us to another major contributor to dating fatigue. Let's talk about burnout. Because I think many people assume burnout only happens at work. But dating burnout is absolutely real. Imagine this cycle for a moment. You meet someone, you get hopeful, you invest time, you share parts of yourself, things don't work out, you recover, then you repeat the entire process again. And again, and again. Now multiply that over years. Eventually people start protecting themselves emotionally. Not because they don't want love, but because disappointment becomes exhausting. Now here is what's interesting. Most people don't quit dating because they stop wanting relationships. They quit because hope becomes emotionally expensive. Every new connection requires energy. And after enough disappointments, people start to think, I don't know if I have the emotional capacity for this again. Which is incredibly understandable. But here's the transition I think that matters most. Because while modern dating has changed dramatically, the fundamental ingredients of healthy relationships haven't changed at all. When people strip away the apps, the algorithms, the dating advice, the social media noise, most people are actually looking for fairly similar things. They want someone who understands them, respects them, communicates well, makes them feel safe, shares similar stories and values, and enjoys spending time together. That's it. And sometimes modern dating makes people forget that. Because they become so focused on optimization, strategy, rules, options that they stop focusing on connection. Now this doesn't mean we should stop being thoughtful, it doesn't mean we shouldn't have standards, but it does mean remembering that dating is ultimately about getting to know another human being. Not completing an assessment center, and honestly, once people reconnect with that mindset, dating often becomes less exhausting because they're no longer trying to control every outcome, they're simply exploring connection. Now, if dating feels exhausting right now, I think the first thing is recognizing that you're absolutely not broken. You're responding to a genuinely difficult environment. Modern dating asks people to be vulnerable, tolerate rejection, navigate uncertainty, and compare themselves constantly. That's a lot. So give yourself some compassion. Secondly, take breaks when you need them. Not because you're giving up, but because emotional recovery really does matter. And finally, remember this: dating should be part of your life, not your entire life. Because the people who tend to date healthiest are often the people who already have friendships, hobbies, purpose, routine. They're not asking dating to provide everything for them, they're asking it to add something meaningful, and that's a much healthier place to date from. So if you do take one thing from this episode, let it be this. Dating feels more exhausting than ever because we're navigating more choice, more uncertainty, more comparison, and more emotional ambiguity than previous generations ever had to manage. But beneath all of that noise, the fundamentals have not changed. People still want connection, understanding, trust, intimacy. And while modern dating may make the search more complicated, it doesn't make those needs any less human. So if you're feeling exhausted, take a breath. Step back when you need to, and remember, you don't need to win modern dating. You just need to find one person who feels like home. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel An Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you on the next one.