EP 299 — Are Dating Apps Making Us Worse at Relationships?

Dating apps have given us more access to potential partners than any generation in history — so why do so many people feel more frustrated, burnt out, and disconnected than ever? In this episode, we explore how dating apps have changed the way we meet, evaluate, and connect with other people. Learn about the psychology of endless choice, why modern dating can make people feel disposable, how apps influence attraction and commitment, and whether technology is helping us find love or making meaningful relationships harder to build. A balanced look at one of the biggest questions in modern dating.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to And How Does That Make You Feel in Awaken Podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing if dating apps are making us worse at relationships. Let me start with a question that people seem to be asking more and more lately. Are dating apps actually helping us find love or are they making relationships harder than ever? Because if you listen to enough people talk about dating today, you'll hear two very different stories. On one hand, dating apps have created opportunities that never existed before. People meet new partners from different cities, different countries, different backgrounds. Millions of relationships and marriages have started because two people happen to swipe on each other. And that's genuinely incredible. But on the other hand, many people are exhausted, they're burnt out, they're frustrated, they feel disposable, and they feel overwhelmed. And perhaps most importantly, a lot of people feel like they have access to more people than ever before. Yet somehow finding a meaningful connection feels harder than ever. Now, whenever this conversation comes up, people tend to fall into two different camps. One group says dating apps are ruining dating, and the other says dating apps are just a tool, it's how people use them. And honestly, I think both sides are partially right. Because dating apps aren't inherently good or bad, but they do change behavior. They change expectations, they change how we evaluate people, and they change how we experience rejection. And they also change how we think about relationships. Because I don't think the biggest question is are dating apps good or bad. I think the better question is how are dating apps changing the way we think about people? And that question is far more interesting. So let's start by being fair, because dating apps solved a genuine problem. Historically, most people met partners through friends, family, work, education, community. And while that worked for many people, it also meant your options were relatively limited. If there wasn't somebody suitable in your social circle, your opportunities were much smaller. Dating apps changed that overnight. Suddenly you could meet people you never would have crossed paths with, and that's a huge benefit. Now here's where things get a little bit complicated. Because while dating apps expanded opportunities, they also expanded choice. And as we talked about in previous episodes, human beings don't always handle unlimited choice particularly well. In theory, more choice sounds amazing. In reality, more choices often create indecision, comparison, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. Because when there are endless options available, people naturally start wondering what if somebody better is one swipe away? And that thought changes everything. Because instead of fully engaging with the person in front of us, part of our attention remains focused on the possibility of someone else. Now that doesn't mean everyone behaves like that, but the psychology of abundance does influence behavior. And once people start feeling replaceable, dating starts to feel very different. Now here's one of the biggest shifts dating apps have created. For most of human history, attraction happened gradually. You met someone, you spent time with them, you noticed how they spoke, how they laughed, how they treated people, their personality, it emerged over time. Dating apps reverse that process. Instead of meeting a person, you meet a profile, and that's a very different experience psychologically. Because now you're making decisions based on photos, prompts, bios, and short messages. And while those things tell you something, they don't tell you everything. In fact, they often tell you very little about how somebody actually feels in real life. Now here's where this becomes important. When people become profiles, it's easier to evaluate them like products. You start comparing appearance, height, lifestyle, careers, and hobbies. And slowly, without realizing it, dating starts feeling less like getting to know another human being and more like browsing options. Now I know that's uncomfortable to hear, but I think many people recognize it. Because one of the biggest complaints I hear from clients is I feel disposable. And honestly, that's understandable, because when people are reduced to profiles, it becomes easier to forget that every profile belongs to an actual human being. Now let's go deeper into something psychologists call the paradox of choice. The basic idea is simple. At a certain point, more options stop increasing satisfaction and they start reducing it. Think about buying a pair of trainers. If there are three options, you choose one fairly quickly. If there are 3,000 options, you start questioning everything. What if there's a better one? What if I'm making the wrong decision? What if I'm settling? And dating apps create the exact same dynamic. Because there's always another profile, another match, another possibility, and while that can feel exciting initially, it can also make commitment feel harder. Because commitment requires something uncomfortable. It requires closing other doors. Now this doesn't mean people never commit anymore. Obviously they do. But it does mean that some people remain trapped in evaluation mode, constantly searching, constantly comparing, and constantly wondering if there might be someone better. And the problem is the search for perfect often prevents people from appreciating what is good. Now that's a difficult truth because healthy relationships are built with real people, not perfect people. And real people inevitably have flaws. Let's talk about rejection for a moment, because dating apps have changed that too. Historically, rejection happened occasionally. Today, people can experience micro rejections constantly. Think about it for a second. You send a message, you don't get a reply, you get unmatched, you get ghosted, you never hear back. And this can happen repeatedly. Now, intellectually, people know not every rejection is personal, but emotionally it can still take a toll. Because human beings aren't designed to experience endless social evaluation, and over time repeated rejection does start to affect confidence, optimism, and willingness to engage. Now here's what's interesting. Many people become emotionally numb. Not because they don't care, but because caring becomes exhausting. And that's one reason dating burnout has become so common. People aren't necessarily giving up on relationships, they're giving up on feeling like they're constantly being assessed. Now, this is where the conversation gets really interesting, because I don't think dating apps just change how we meet. I think they subtly change how we pay attention to. For example, apps naturally prioritize things that can be evaluated quickly. Things like appearance, photos, lifestyle signals, first impressions. Now there's nothing wrong with attraction. Physical attraction, of course, matters, but many of the traits that predict healthy long-term relationships don't reveal themselves immediately. Things like kindness, emotional regulation, accountability, communication, reliability, and consistency. You can't always see those things in a profile. You discover them through experience, and this creates a challenge because people often make decisions based on what is visible rather than what ultimately matters most to them. Now, to be fair, this isn't entirely the app's fault, it's human nature. But the structure of the platform, of course, amplifies those tendencies, and that's worth being aware of. Now here's where I think the conversation often goes wrong. People blame dating apps for everything. But I don't think the apps themselves are the entire issue. I think the bigger problem is how we psychologically adapt to them. Because some people use dating apps while still remembering these are real people. Others begin treating dating apps like a marketplace, a game, a numbers exercise. And those mindsets create very different outcomes. Because ultimately healthy relationships still require the same things they've always required. Vulnerability, communication, effort, patience, emotional maturity. No app can remove those requirements, and no technology can replace them. Now this transition is important because it leads us to the question people really care about. What should we do? I think one of the healthiest things people can do is remember what dating apps actually are. They're introduction tools, that's it. They're not validation tools, they're not self-worth tools, they're not measurements of attractiveness, they're not relationship guarantees, they're simply ways of meeting people. Now, when people forget that, they start attaching enormous emotional meaning to matches, likes, responses, and the algorithm. And that's where the emotional damage often begins. Secondly, try to remember that real compatibility happens offline, not through endless messaging, not through profile optimization, and not through analyzing every single interaction. Compatibility emerges through conversations, experiences, time, and observation. And honestly, that's incredibly freeing. Because it means you don't need to solve the entire relationship before meeting someone. You simply need to be curious enough to explore. So, are dating apps making us worse at relationships? I don't think the answer is completely yes, and I don't think the answer is also completely no. What I do think is this dating apps have changed the environment in which relationships begin. They've increased choice, increased comparison, increased convenience, but they've also increased overwhelm, ambiguity, burnout, and the temptation to treat people like options rather than human beings. And that's the real challenge. Because their technology has changed dramatically, but human needs haven't. People still want connection, understanding, trust, intimacy, belonging. The fundamentals, they're exactly the same. So if you're using dating apps, perhaps the goal isn't to find the perfect profile. Perhaps the goal is simply to remember that behind every profile is a human being hoping for many of the same things you are. And once you remember that, dating starts feeling a little bit less like shopping and a little bit more like connection. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.