EP 301 — How to Know If You’re Ignoring Red Flags Because You’re Lonely

Have you ever stayed in a relationship, situationship, or dating situation even though part of you knew something wasn’t right? In this episode, we explore how loneliness can quietly influence our dating decisions, making us overlook red flags, lower our standards, and become attached to potential rather than reality. Learn why loneliness changes the way we interpret behaviour, how fear of being alone can keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics, and the key signs that emotional scarcity may be clouding your judgment. A deep dive into self-worth, dating psychology, and how to choose connection without abandoning yourself in the process.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing how you can know if you're ignoring red flags just because you're lonely. I want to start this episode with a question that might be a little uncomfortable. Not because it's a bad question, but because if we're honest, most of us have probably been there at some point. The question is: have you ever known something wasn't right and stayed anyway? Maybe there were red flags from the beginning, maybe your friends saw them before you did, maybe there was a voice in the back of your head quietly saying, This just doesn't feel healthy. But you stayed, you kept texting, you kept hoping, you kept giving chances. You kept explaining away things that you would probably tell your best friend not to tolerate. And when the relationship eventually ended or the situationship eventually fizzled out, you looked back and you thought, why did I ignore all of that? Now when people ask themselves that question, they often come up with answers like, Well, I was naive, I was stupid, I got carried away, I should have known better. But honestly, I think most people are far too harsh on themselves. Because one of the biggest reasons people ignore red flags isn't because they're foolish, it's because they're lonely. And loneliness is incredibly powerful. Because loneliness doesn't just make us want connection, it can change the way we interpret reality. It can change what we tolerate, it can change what we hope for, and if we're not careful, it can convince us that almost having a relationship is better than risking having no relationship at all. Because one of the hardest truths about relationship is this. When we're starving emotionally, even breadcrumbs can feel like a meal. So let's start here because I think this is where most people misunderstand themselves. When we talk about loneliness, people often imagine someone sitting at home feeling sad. But loneliness is much more complicated than that. I've met people who are successful, attractive, socially connected, surrounded by friends, and they're still lonely. Because loneliness isn't simply the absence of people, it's the absence of meaningful connection. It's the feeling that nobody truly sees you, nobody truly understands you, and nobody knows what it's like to be inside your head. And when you've been carrying that feeling for months or sometimes years, something interesting starts happening psychologically. The desire for connection becomes stronger. Which sounds obvious, but what often follows is less obvious. The stronger the desire becomes, the easier it becomes to overlook problems. Now think about food for a moment. If you've just eaten a huge meal, you're probably quite selective. You can say, I don't really fancy that, I'll wait, something better will come along. But if you haven't eaten for three days, your standards they change. Suddenly things that looked unappealing before start looking acceptable. Now, obviously, relationships are not food, but psychologically a similar thing can happen. When someone feels emotionally deprived for long enough, they can start prioritizing having something over having something healthy. And that is where problems begin. Now let's talk about something fascinating. When people are emotionally grounded, red flags usually look like red flags. Someone is inconsistent, you notice it. Someone avoids commitment, you notice it. Somebody repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, you're going to notice it. But when loneliness enters the picture, something changes. The brain starts negotiating. So instead of that's concerning, the thought becomes, well, nobody's perfect. Instead of this doesn't feel good, the thought becomes maybe they're just busy. Now I want to be very careful here, because not every problem is a red flag. Relationships, they do require flexibility. They require compromise, patience, because nobody is ultimately perfect. But loneliness often causes people to become far more flexible with things that genuinely matter. And here's what makes this difficult. Most people don't realize it's happening because it feels like optimism, it feels like empathy, it feels like understanding. When in reality it can sometimes be fear. Fear of starting over, fear of being alone, fear that this opportunity might not come again. And that transition is really important because what looks like patience from the outside can sometimes be self-abandonment on the inside. Now here's where I think many people actually get stuck, especially in modern dating. They stop dating the person and they start dating the possibility. Let me explain. Imagine you've met somebody. There are already some concerns. Maybe they're inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, reluctant to commit, sending mixed signals. But every now and then they do something hopeful. Maybe they send a lovely message, open up emotionally, talk about the future, make you feel special. And suddenly the brain focuses on those moments and not the overall pattern, just the moments. Because those moments keep the possibility alive. And loneliness loves possibility because possibility feels better than emptiness. So people start telling themselves maybe they're just scared, maybe they need more time, maybe things will change. Now, sometimes people genuinely do grow. Sometimes circumstances change. But often what keeps people trapped isn't the reality of the relationship, it's the fancy of where it might eventually go. And honestly, one of the most difficult questions you can ask yourself is this Am I in love with who this person is or am I in love with who I hope they'll become? Because those are very different relationships. One exists in a reality, the other exists in your imagination. Now, another reason people ignore red flags is because leaving feels incredibly costly. And that's because when you're lonely, rejection doesn't feel like this relationship didn't work. It can feel like I'm back at square one. And that's a very different emotional experience. Think about someone who feels fulfilled. They have friendships, hobbies, purpose, connection. A relationship ending is still painful, of course it is, but it doesn't remove everything. Now imagine somebody whose entire emotional hope is sitting inside one person, one situationship, one dating experience, one possibility. Suddenly walking away feels enormous. Because they're not just losing the person, they're losing hope, excitement, possibility, companionship, imagined futures. And that's why people often stay much longer than they should. Not because the relationship is amazing, but because the alternative it feels terrifying. And honestly, that's one of the biggest clues that loneliness may be driving your decisions. Because healthy relationships should be chosen, not clung to out of fear. So let's make this practical for a moment. How do you know if loneliness is affecting your ability to see things clearly? One sign is that you find yourself repeatedly explaining away behavior that hurts you. You might keep saying, they're probably stressed. They've got a lot going on right now. I shouldn't be so sensitive. Now again, empathy is important, but if you're constantly explaining away behavior that consistently leaves you feeling bad, that's worth paying attention to. Another sign is that you're afraid to bring up your needs because deep down you're worried that asking for more might make them leave. So instead you stay quiet, you settle, you tolerate, you minimize, and over time resentment of course builds. Another sign is that you're far more invested in the potential of the relationship than the reality of it. If someone asks how does this relationship actually make you feel most of the time, would you answer genuinely be positive, or would most of the positives be based on what you hope it becomes one day? And perhaps the biggest sign of all is this. If your best friend was in the exact same situation, would you encourage them to stay? Because it's amazing how much clarity appears when we step outside ourselves. Now here's what I think healthy dating should actually look like. Not perfect dating, not fearless dating, healthy dating. Healthy dating is being open to connection while remaining honest about reality. It's being hopeful without becoming blind. It's giving people a chance without abandoning your standards. It's being willing to walk away from something that isn't meeting your standards, even when walking away hurts. And honestly, that last part is key. Because self-respect often costs something. Sometimes it costs comfort, sometimes it costs familiarity, sometimes it costs possibility. But long term it usually protects something much more valuable, your well-being. Now, this doesn't mean becoming cynical, it doesn't mean looking for reasons to reject everybody. It simply means holding two truths at once. You can want connection deeply and still refuse to settle for a relationship that consistently harms you. Those things can coexist. So if you do take one thing from this episode, let it be this. Loneliness doesn't make people weak, but it can make people vulnerable to accepting less than they deserve. Because when you're lonely, we often become focused on avoiding the pain of being alone. And in that process, we sometimes forget to ask ourselves, is this relationship actually good for me? So the next time you're unsure about someone, don't just ask, Do I want them? Ask yourself, would I still want this relationship if I wasn't afraid of being alone? Because that question has a way of cutting through fantasy and bringing us back down to reality. And sometimes reality is uncomfortable, but reality is also where healthy relationships are actually built. Not in fear, not in scarcity, not in desperation, but in mutual respect, mutual effort, and genuine connection. As always, thank you so much for listening. If you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people, and we do try and post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you in the next one.