EP 302 — How Long Should You Give Someone Before Walking Away?

How do you know when you’re being patient… and when you’re simply waiting for something that may never happen? In this episode, we explore one of the most difficult questions in modern dating: how long should you give someone before deciding to walk away? Learn the difference between healthy patience and self-abandonment, why people stay in uncertain situations for far too long, how hope can keep us stuck, and the signs that a relationship is genuinely progressing versus standing still. A thoughtful look at dating, situationships, commitment, and how to recognise when you’re investing in reality rather than potential.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing how long you should wait or give someone before walking away. I think one of the hardest questions in dating isn't should I stay, it's how long should I stay before I decide this is not going to work. Because if we're honest, most of us don't struggle when something is obviously wrong. If someone's cruel, dishonest, disrespectful, abusive, the answer is usually clearer. Painful, yes, but clearer. Where people get stuck is in the gray area. The person who is nice but inconsistent, interested but not fully invested, caring but not emotionally available, present but not progressing things. The person who keeps giving you just enough to stay hopeful, but not enough to feel secure. And that's when the questions begin. Am I being patient? Am I expecting too much? Should I give it more time? What if I walk away too early? Because nobody wants to throw away something that could have become meaningful. But equally, no one wants to spend six months, twelve months, or even years waiting for a relationship that never actually arrives. And what makes this difficult is that modern dating often glorifies patience. We're told give people grace, give people time, don't rush things, let things unfold naturally. And while all of those things can be healthy, they can also become dangerous if they stop us asking a really important question. Is this relationship actually moving forward? Because there is a huge difference between taking things slowly and standing still. Because one of the most painful experiences in dating is realizing you spend years waiting for clarity that was never actually coming. Now let's start by challenging the title slightly. Because I actually don't think the most useful question is how long should I give somebody? Why? Because time on its own tells us very little. Imagine two relationships. One has been going on for three months, the other has been going on for 12 months. Which one is healthier? You can't answer that because the answer depends on what's happening during that time. Three months of consistency, communication, growing trust, increasing intimacy is very different from 12 months of confusion, mixed signals, uncertainty, and this emotional limbo. And that's why the real question isn't how much time has passed, it's what has changed. Because healthy relationships don't necessarily move quickly, but they do usually move. There's progression, there's development, there is increasing clarity, and that distinction is incredibly important. Because many people stay in difficult situations, not because the relationship is progressing, but because time itself creates hope. They think, well, we've already invested six months, or surely after this long something will happen. But time is not evidence. Progress is evidence. And once you understand that, dating starts looking very different. Now, before we talk about walking away, I think we need to talk about why people stay. Because honestly, most people don't stay because they're foolish, they stay because they're human. And there are a few reasons this happens. The first is hope. Hope is so powerful. In many areas of life, hope helps us persist. It helps us survive difficult periods, it helps us work towards goals, but in dating, hope can sometimes become disconnected from reality. For example, somebody might say, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but every now and then they act like a partner, show affection, talk about the future, create intimacy, and suddenly hope returns. You think maybe they're getting there, maybe they just need more time. Now, sometimes that is of course true. But sometimes what keeps people stuck isn't the reality of the relationship, it's the possibility. And possibility can be incredibly difficult to let go of. Because walking away doesn't just mean losing what exists, it means letting go of what you hoped might exist one day. And honestly, that's often the harder loss. Now, this might be the most important section of the entire episode. This is the part where we talk about the difference between patience and self-abandonment. Because patience is generally viewed as a virtue, and often it is. Healthy relationships require patience. People need time to trust, open up, become vulnerable, build intimacy. But patience becomes unhealthy when it requires you to repeatedly ignore your own needs. Let me explain. Patience sounds like I understand this is developing gradually. Self-abandonment sounds like I know my needs aren't being met, but I'm afraid to leave. Patience sounds like we're moving at a pace that works for both of us. Self-abandonment sounds like everything revolves around their timeline. Patience still includes mutual effort, mutual investment, and mutual progress, whereas self-abandonment includes waiting, hoping, explaining away behavior, and minimizing your own needs. And that's where many people get trapped. Because from the outside, both can look similar, but emotionally they're completely different experiences. One feels respectful, the other feels exhausting. Now let's make this practical, because I think a lot of people struggle to recognize healthy progress. Healthy progress doesn't necessarily mean rushing into labels. It doesn't mean saying I love you after two weeks, it doesn't mean planning a wedding after three months. What it does mean is that over time clarity increases, not decreases. You generally know where you stand, what the other person wants, how they feel about you. You don't spend every week asking what is happening. Now think about a healthy relationship. Over time, communication becomes easier, trust grows, vulnerability increases, consistency improves, emotional safety develops, there is movement, even if it's slow. Now compare that to a dynamic where six months later you're still asking, do they actually want a relationship? Now that's completely different, because uncertainty is not reducing its remaining constant. And long-term confusion is often information, not something to endlessly tolerate. So now is the question that changes everything. Whenever someone asks me, should I keep waiting, there's one question I often come back to, and it's this if this relationship stayed exactly as it is today for the next year, would I genuinely be happy? Not the future version, not the imagined version, not the hopeful version, the current version, exactly as it is. Because what often happens is people realize actually, no, they're not staying for what exists, they're staying for what they hope will exist. And that's an incredibly important distinction. Because relationships happen in reality, not in potential, not in fantasy, not in promises, reality. And sometimes asking that question creates more clarity than months of analysis ever could. Now let's be honest, walking away is a scary component of this, especially when there's still feelings involved, especially when there's still hope, especially when part of you thinks, what if things were about to change? And honestly, that's a reasonable fear. Nobody can predict the future. You might walk away and discover things could have worked, that's possible. But here's what people often forget. You can also stay and discover nothing changes. And that possibility deserves equal attention. Because many people spend so much time worrying about leaving too early that they never consider the cost of staying too long. The cost of lost time, emotional exhaustion, unmet needs, opportunities missed elsewhere. Every choice carries risk. Staying carries risk. Leaving also carries risk. The goal isn't finding the risk-free option, the goal is choosing the option that aligns most closely with your well-being. Now, this is something people rarely talk about. Sometimes people stay because they're waiting for clarity. But ironically, walking away is what actually creates it. Because while you're still emotionally invested, everything is going to feel complicated. You're going to be analysing text, conversations, behavior, possibilities, but once you actually step back, patterns become easier to see. You start noticing how much effort you were making, how often your needs were ignored, how much uncertainty you were tolerating, and suddenly things that felt confusing begin making sense. Now I'm not saying everyone should leave at the first sight of difficulty. Relationships do require effort, they require repair, communication, and growth. But if the relationship consistently requires you to sacrifice your peace, your self-esteem and your needs just to keep it alive, that's worth paying attention to. So if you do take one thing from this episode, let it be this. The question is not how long you should give someone. The question is whether the relationship is actually moving forward. Because healthy relationships don't always move quickly, but they usually move. There is increasing clarity, increasing trust, increasing connection. And if months or years pass without meaningful progress, that isn't necessarily patience anymore. It may simply be waiting. So if you're currently asking yourself, should I stay or should I leave, try asking a different question. Am I investing in the relationship that exists or the one I hope might exist one day? Because the answer to that question often tells you everything you need to know. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice or even share it with a friend. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll look forward to seeing you at the next one.